Hanging Out, Hooking Up, and Celestial Marriage

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Archived from on 2008-02-11. But I was hoping we could at least pray for him.

Although most studies among college students have discovered that to a large degree students feel marriage is important, have a desire to get married, and are confident they will eventually do so, these feelings and aspirations are significantly stronger among BYU students. And at that point I knew that we were dating.

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Top, and Richard J. Only half of the women reported they had been asked on six or more dates during their entire college career. In fact, one-third of the women had had two dates or fewer during the same four years. Forty percent of the women in the study had participated in a hookup, and over 90% indicated that hooking up is a regular activity on their campus. However, the level of physical intimacy involved in a hookup remains vague in student conversations, meaning any­thing from kissing to sexual intercourse. The vagueness of the term allows students to tell others that they have hooked up without completely com­promising their reputation. This startling description of hooking up and the demise of dating on American campuses motivated us to conduct a study among BYU students to ascertain whether or not these trends have in any way invaded that campus as well. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and BYU affirm that sexual relationships outside the covenant of marriage are inappropriate. Hinckley 1988 told the student body: This university will become increasingly unique among the universities of the nation and the world. We must never lose that uniqueness. We must hold tenaciously to it. Without it there would be no justification whatever for sponsorship by the Church and the use of the tithing funds of the Church to support it. The honor code to which you subscribe is also related to this. It is designed to insure the presence on this campus of a student body of young men and young women with standards above the cut of the world at large, ideals that are conducive to spiritual relationships and a social atmosphere of respectability. Over the past 40 years, young people have been marrying later and later in their lives. Parents, Church leaders, and public policy makers are seriously concerned about whether or not a substantial number of young Americans are merely delaying marriage or have rejected marriage and opted for singleness. The answer to this question has very significant implications for society. Unfortunately, a definitive answer will not be known for a generation or more. However, some clues about LDS young people are available now in this survey of unmarried BYU students. We also asked what type of physical intimacy students thought appropriate for hanging-out and dat­ing relationships and what intimate activity they had participated in. The methodology of the survey is given in Appendix A. Life goals and attitudes about marriage. One indication of the relative importance of marriage was obtained by identifying how single BYU students ranked marriage in relation to sev­eral other important life goals, ranging from finishing college to helping the less fortunate. The highest-ranked goal for BYU students was a close personal relationship with God, closely followed by marriage in the temple, a goal which is both spiritual and marital see Table 1. These high school seniors are younger than typical BYU students, but they provide a reasonable picture of what young people are generally thinking about marriage. The goals ranked by the high school seniors, although not identical to those chosen by BYU students, were similar; marriage was an important goal for both groups. It seems that most young people in this country desire to marry. Although aspira­tions for marriage and a happy family life were similar between BYU and the national sample, there is a striking difference concerning religious or spiritual goals. We asked BYU students several other questions about their percep­tions of and attitudes toward marriage see Table 3. Interestingly, the women in the national study are more optimistic about finding a mate when the time is right than are BYU students. Nearly the entire national sample of women, 99%, is convinced the right spouse will appear in their lives at the appropriate time. The BYU women are a little less confi­dent at 92%, followed by BYU men at 88%. The differences are small, but they do suggest that BYU students take seriously the task of finding a spouse who meets their high expectations. They are a little less sure that someone with the traits they desire will appear at the right time. About two-thirds of the women in the national Glenn and Marquardt study and two-thirds of the BYU men in our study desired to meet their future husband or wife at college. We were a little surprised that only 57% of the BYU women hoped to meet their future husband at col­lege. As we will discuss below, some BYU women planned on finishing their schooling before they marry. For whatever reason, nearly half of the young women at BYU reported not being very concerned about meeting their future spouse while attending BYU. The vast majority of BYU students not only hope to marry but expect to be married within five to ten years. Only 5% of the men and 7% of the women do not see marriage in their future within that time frame. This is considerably less than the 29% of the national sample of women who feel that marriage is more distant than five to ten years in their future. BYU students are convinced that marriage is a happier way of life than singleness or cohabitation. Only 6% of those attending BYU indicated that they questioned marriage as a way of life, as compared to 28% of the non-LDS high school seniors. However, this 6%, though a relatively low figure, may be cause for concern among parents and Church leaders. The Church gives marriage high priority because of its importance for happiness in this life and exaltation in the hereafter. Although most studies among college students have discovered that to a large degree students feel marriage is important, have a desire to get married, and are confident they will eventually do so, these feelings and aspirations are significantly stronger among BYU students. The hanging-out and hooking-up culture flourishes on college cam­puses across the country to such an extent that it has become the norm. In fact, few researchers bother to collect data on this phenomenon. They simply identify this culture as a way of life among modern college stu­dents Milanese, 2002. As seen in Table 6, hanging out is also very popular among BYU students. One-fourth of the BYU stu­dents said they hang out in mixed groups six or more times a week. Hanging-out activities in some form have always been a staple of college social life. What seems to be different with the current generation of col­lege students is that men and women are hanging out together consider­ably more often than in generations past. The most popular hanging-out activity among BYU students appears to be just sitting around a dorm or apartment and talking. Watching tele­vision or a video and going out to eat are also popular hanging-out activities. Ball games, concerts, plays, church meetings, or firesides were occasionally identified as things to do when hanging out. Young women at BYU reported that they like hanging out because it allows them a more active role in initiating interac­tion with young men. Both men and women acknowledged that women often get a hanging-out session going, although hanging out is still more often initi­ated by men see Table 7. Young men at BYU reported that they often prefer hanging out to dating because it spares them having to ask for a date and risk rejection. About 40% of both men and women indicated that they would like to hang out more often see Table 8. Dating involves one of the partners, usually the young man, extend­ing an invitation to the other to participate together in a specified activity. Unlike dating at most American campuses, dating at BYU has not been replaced by hanging out. Twenty-three percent of the men and 19% of the women reported going on five or more dates per month see Table 6. Thirty-five percent of the men and 27% of the women had at least one date a week. Only 7% of the young men and 16% of the women reported they had not been on a date during the previous month. Many BYU students have as many dates in one month as the senior women in the national study had in nearly four years. Dating practices at BYU today are not drastically different from those of previous generations. Men do most of the inviting see Table 7. Our survey respondents said that the typical date involves dinner along with a concert, play, or similar activity. Most of the popular activities require the man to pay for dinner and tickets. BYU students listed less-expensive dates as well, such as watching a video, playing cards or board games, attending church activities, hik­ing, and going for a drive. What has changed is that a substantial number of BYU women have issued a date invitation, and hanging out takes the place of some of the dating. But hanging out has not replaced dating to the same extent it has at other universities. Compared to men, BYU women were less happy with the frequency of their dating see Table 8. A few BYU women said they have an active and sat­isfying dating life, while the others voiced a desire for more. Over half of the women felt they do not date often enough. When asked why they did not date more, BYU men identified the fear of rejection, financial constraints, and study demands as limiting factors. As discussed earlier, hanging out on American campuses today is linked to hooking up, which usually involves some degree of physi­cal intimacy. According to a study conducted by the Centers for Disease Control, 68% of college students in the United States had sexual intercourse during the three months previous to the survey National College Health Risk Behavior Survey—United States, 1995. To determine the degree of physical intimacy that is part of the dat­ing culture at BYU, we first asked the sample of students what they felt was acceptable and then the kinds of physical acts in which they had been involved. BYU students, not surprisingly, are quite conservative in their acceptance of physical intimacy in hanging out or in dating relationships. It is clear from the responses in Table 9 that they defined hanging out as largely platonic: around 70% feel that holding hands, hugging, and kissing are inap­propriate in a hanging-out relationship. Finally, an overwhelming majority of BYU students feel that premarital sexual intimacy is unacceptable. Given the Latter-day Saint doctrine and teachings on moral cleanliness, coupled with the BYU Honor Code, it is not surprising that casual sexual behavior is not nearly as prevalent at BYU as on other college campuses. BYU students are almost unanimous in feeling that physical expres­sions of affection like holding hands, hugging, and good-night kisses are appropriate and acceptable in a dating relationship. About half feel there is nothing wrong with more intense kissing while dating. But even among dating couples there is near-unanimous rejection of serious sexual involvement, mainly petting and intercourse. Importantly, when it comes to actual behavior, the actions of BYU students closely reflect their ideals see Table 9. The levels of holding hands, hugging, and kissing including intense kissing among those in a casual, hanging-out relationship are a little higher than we expected, but not much. Only 2% of the young men have engaged in oral sex or inter­course while in a hanging-out relationship with a young woman. Only 1% of the young women have done so. Not surprisingly, intimacy is higher among dating couples. But the number who acknowledged having oral sex or intercourse is still remark­ably low. Only 3 to 4% of single BYU students have had sex, as com­pared to 60 to 70% among their peers at other universities. Even if there is some underreporting among BYU students because of feelings of shame or a fear of being turned in to the Honor Code Office, the level is nowhere near the national average. At BYU, personal integrity and reli­giosity combine with the Honor Code and a religious environment includ­ing religion classes, campus congregations, and devotionals with Church authorities to produce a remarkably low rate of premarital sexual activity. Shifting from hanging out to dating. Some confusion, conflict, disappointment, and pain have been observed among couples moving from a casual hanging-out relation­ship to dating Kass, 1997. One person may define a relationship as intimate and long-term, while the other feels that it is strictly a casual association. This shift in formality sends the other person the message that another dimen­sion of the relationship is desired. Contact even as casual as holding hands sends the message that a couple has changed the type and intensity of the relationship. Kissing was cited by a large number as the most obvious sign that a relation­ship has grown serious. He did, and I continued to think of him as a friend until a few more kisses. We realized that we were basically dating after we kissed. We hung out together more, talked more, and kissed more. And at that point I knew that we were dating. Only about 20% of the BYU students identified talking to each other as a way to confirm a dating relationship. In other words, you have to tell each other that you are only dating each other and no one else. In spite of the distaste, nearly two-thirds had experienced at least one DTR during the previous semester. A few students, nearly 10%, had had four or more DTRs during the semester. It seems that part­ners in dating relationships are moving at different speeds, and one gener­ally feels the need for clarification before the other does. Although the hanging-out culture is certainly prevalent at BYU, stu­dents here date more and hook up less than their national college-student peers. There is significantly less premarital sex among BYU students due to their strong religious values concerning chastity and their commit­ment to the Honor Code. BYU students, however, are like other college students in that they often experience uncertainty about shifting a casual relationship to a more serious one. The search for a spouse. Most BYU students reported they hoped to find someone to marry while at the university, so we asked them to identify the traits they were looking for in a spouse. We asked them to rate how important it is that the person they marry has certain traits see Table 11. We were pleasantly surprised that BYU students identified spiri­tuality or religiosity as the most favored trait. They want to marry someone who is committed to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and its doc­trines, principles, and practices. Most research on characteristics desired in a potential spouse has ignored religiosity. This is another way in which BYU students are dra­matically different from most other young adults. Many studies have noted that both men and women desire pleasant, cooperative, and sup­portive personalities in those they consider for marriage Buss, 1998; Stewart et al. Kindness, communicativeness, sense of humor, consideration for others, and empathy are strongly desired. These virtues were extolled by Elder Jeffrey R. An examination of these desired traits reveals that BYU students have a pretty good idea of the type of person they wish to marry. Fortunately, the desired traits are those that will most likely foster a fulfilling marriage. The most important traits in the eyes of BYU students are those of spiri­tuality and a kind and open personality, both of which facilitate a strong marital relationship. One-third reported one broken relationship, 12% claimed two, and 4% of the men and 6% of the women reported three or more break-ups. Not surprisingly, no single reason, event, or circumstance precipitated the demise of most courtships. The reasons these romantic relationships ended in failure are reported in Table 12. For about 20% of the students, as the couple spent more time together, feelings of attraction declined and the relationship lost its initial excitement. We dated for ten months—she was in love with me—and I tried to fall in love with her. In some cases, one partner became jealous and overly possessive, while in others the relationship became unbalanced, with one partner giving much more than the other. We suspect that a greater similarity of values and expectations has a positive effect on relationships among BYU students, since most are members of the LDS Church. BYU students reported that they ended unbalanced relationships. I found myself caring about her less and less. I am not bitter, yeah right! I was deceiving myself about my love for her, which was actually only physical. We love each other, dated for two years, but it got too physical. We messed up and it ruined us! The frequency of false starts and the variety of reasons for failed rela­tionships suggest that finding a marriageable partner is not an easy task and often involves a certain amount of what some view as good luck or serendip­ity. It is clear that many events, experiences, and circumstances can doom a romantic relationship. Contributing to the difficulty of the task is that both partners must be simultaneously motivated to pursue an enduring relation­ship. Unfortunately, if one of the partners loses interest, the other is left feel­ing rejected, hurt, and sometimes angry. In spite of the long litany of things that go wrong in relationships, BYU institutional research shows that 63% of male students who graduate are married by graduation time, as are 55% of female students Brigham Young University, 2003. Making a decision to marry a person—which to most BYU students has eternal implications—can be a daunting challenge. The responses to this open-ended question revealed both considerable variation and some confusion among students about how to identify someone to marry see Table 14. Most frequently mentioned was asking for some type of spiritual confirmation. Look­ing to spiritual manifestations makes the BYU mate selection process considerably different from the process by which their national peers make the deci­sion to marry. Feelings that it is the right thing to do ranked next, fol­lowed by feelings of love. Compatibility in personality, goals, and hopes for the future accounted for 9 or 10%. Enjoyment of being together, bringing out the best in each other, friendship, open com­munication, physical attractive­ness, and trust were mentioned in 1 to 7% of the answers. Interestingly, 7% of the young men and 4% of the young women admitted they were totally clueless about how they would make a decision whether or not to marry. Thirty-eight percent of the young women and 43% of the young men reported they were currently in a relationship with mar­riage potential. The percentage is somewhat higher for BYU seniors, at 48% for both men and women. Hesitation in the search. Even though BYU students engage in a lot of hanging out and dating, many do not seem to be making much progress toward getting married. These unmarried students identified the factors that were influencing them to avoid marriage see Table 15. Some of these students have experienced the divorces of their own parents. In addition, marriage is generally portrayed negatively in the media. A study of American young adults not attending college reported the same fear: Despite doubts and difficulties, young men and women have not given up on the ideal of finding a soul mate to marry. On the contrary, they are dedicated to the goal of finding a lifelong best friend and kindred spirit. Both media images and real-life models of marriage tend to be more negative than positive. Many in this study have grown up with unhappily married or divorced parents. They know exactly what a bad marriage is, but they are less sure of what a good marriage looks like. Closely associated with this fear of selecting the wrong mate was a fear of the responsibilities of marriage, along with a fear of parenthood. Over half of the women and around one-third of the men claimed they had not yet had a viable opportunity to marry. Surprisingly, more young women than young men indicated they were delaying marriage to finish their schooling. Nearly half of the young women identified educational goals as a significant influ­ence in their decision not to marry at that time. About 10% of the students report that their family pressures them not to marry while in college. We feel this is unfortunate, because opportunities for meeting potential partners become much more limited after leaving BYU in most cases. Many BYU students are following the trend of the world to delay marriage and family for educational and profes­sional reasons. Yet more undergraduates at BYU, 23%, are married than at other four-year institutions Brigham Young University, 2000. Conclusion Leon Kass 1997 gave parents sound advice when he encouraged them to guide their children to religiously affiliated colleges and universities if they want their children to marry. This is particularly evident at BYU. Almost all students desire to marry and are confident that they will. BYU students hang out in mixed groups, just like students at other universities, yet the casual sexual encounters associated with hooking up are mostly absent. Remarkably, relatively few single BYU students report sexual experience. Most are keeping their commitment to chastity. Even though the dating culture at BYU may have changed somewhat in recent years, it is still an environment conducive to finding a mate who shares fundamental beliefs and values. The traits identified by BYU students as desirable in a spouse are in some ways similar to those identified by other college students. Most want to marry someone who has a pleasant personal­ity and is motivated to complete his or her education and pursue a career. What is dramatically different is that BYU students place a much higher premium on spirituality and religiosity than other students do. The charac­teristics BYU students are seeking will generally foster a strong and satisfy­ing marital relationship. This is not to say that the process is easy. Students often struggle in the dating game. Most experience moments of fun and fulfillment but also times of despair when relationships are absent or fail. BYU is a remarkable meeting place for LDS young ­people. Literally thousands of single members of the opposite sex, in the desired age range and with many of the desired traits, including shared religious values, are gathered there. It is encouraging to see that most BYU students eventually marry. This chapter was coauthored with Lauren Smith, who at the time of this research was an undergraduate research assistant in sociology at BYU, and Mindy Judd, who was a graduate student in sociology at BYU. Ann Arbor, MI: Institute for Social Research, University of Michigan. Brigham Young University 2005. Brigham Young University 2003. The psychology of human mate selection: exploring the complexity of the strategic repertoire. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention 1995. Youth risk behavior surveillance: National College Health Risk Behav­ior Survey—United States, 1995. Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, 1997, 46 SS-6 , 1—56; Glenn, N. Hooking up, hanging out, and hoping for Mr. Right: College women on dating and mating today. New York: Institute for American Values. The end of courtship. Public Interest, 126, 39—63. Why college students end relationships. College Student Journal, 31, 451. Hooking up, hanging out, making up, moving on. The state of our unions: The social health of marriage in America. New Brunswick, NJ: National Marriage Project Report, Rutgers University; Stewart, S. Sex differences in desired characteristics of short-term and long-term relationship partners. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 17 6 , 848.

In other words, you have to tell each other that you are only dating each other and no one else. Retrieved 10 February 2012. He felt comfortable in going fishing, lowering his golf score, doing some painting himself, and growing in ways that interested him. Early forms of the BYU Honor Code are found as far back as the days of the Brigham Young Academy and early school President Karl G. In fact, 94% of BYU students felt that marriage would be a part of their lives in the next five to ten years. Obviously this means to live righteous lives, to byu dating guide often, and to be kind one to another. Husbands and wives who encounter and surmount suffering, pain, misunderstanding, and temptation can enjoy marriages that are beautiful and eternal. My comments are not for anyone looking for simple ideas or anyone who would be satisfied merely to tolerate an uncomfortable arrangement.